Jedi Knitting

Today I had occasion to travel down to the temple of consumption, otherwise known as the Mall of America, because my best friend's daughter was in town and I haven't seen her in two years. I've always considered her to be one of my own kids, and I was excited at the chance to see her again. The drive down was nothing special, that is until I pulled into the east parking ramp and participated in an event that can only be experienced at the Mega-Mall.


That event? Full-combat parking.


We've all been to that rock concert, sporting event, or black Friday sale where parking is tough, but those of you who know can attest, there is nothing quite like trying to park at MOA when an "event" is going on inside. I took my usual route, which is to head straight for the roof, then to the corner furthest away from the doors. In the end it saves time because you're not waiting in line for someone to back up, or stalking people walking out the doors hoping that you can snag their parking space. Wondering what in the world all the fuss was about, I walked through the doors and saw a banner hanging just inside. Printed on that banner in giant letters were the following words:


WELCOME TO KNIT-OFF 2008!


My eyes immediately began scanning the horizon hoping I hadn't walked into the bizarro mall, then went wide when I saw the scene stretched out in front of me in full glory. Booth after booth, table after table of needles and yarn and patterns, all being attended to by mostly polite blue-haired ladies. The entire mall had been taken over by a knitting convention.


Not one to miss an opportunity to party with the masses, I headed toward the rotunda, because as the locals will tell you, thats where to find the action. What I saw is a sight I will never forget. It was like watching an AARP version of the 4-H fair, only on a national scale with huge TV screens, cameras, lights, and a Miss America-style master of ceremonies. All of this hubub was surrounding what I came to find out was the National Knitting Awards, The "Oscars" of knitting.


I could tell right away that the ceremony was almost over, and watched as the emcee called up the presenters for the last award. The nominees were announced, and finally the envelope opened. "And the winner is"...


I'm not even sure that the presenter got the first syllable out before the whole crowd of knitting-faithful erupted with applause and stood to their feet. I couldn't hear the name of the winner over the applause, but watched in amazement as she ran onto the stage, grabbed the silver cup, held it over her head, then pulled it down an kissed it as though this was some sort of million-dollar golf tournament. Then it hit me...


I'm looking at the Tiger Woods of knitting.


As soon as that thought was born, my twisted brain began imagining what it must be like in the knitting universe. I wondered if young apprentice knitters had to call their teacher Sensei or Master. I imagined ladies in ninja suits and hair nets locked in combat with knitting needle nunchucks. I scanned the crowd, trying to figure out which one of these yarn-artists was the Master Yoda of knitting (cue that amazing Frank Oz voice - "knit one pearl two you will").


Of course then my mind wandered back to sports, and I contemplated the effects of a performance-enhancing drug scandal on the knitting world. Imagine ladies in their best hand-knit pullovers, sitting side by side at a long table testifying before congress. The pundits on the knitting network would have to compare all of the before and after stats and photos, and medical "experts" would line up in droves for a chance to come on the air and tell us that Esther's hands couldn't have grown that big naturally. Official-sounding people would tell us that Geritol was considered a banned substance, and whole forests would be leveled to make enough paper to print the reams of reports detailing the matter.

One of the ladies standing just in front of me was carrying a bag with an official-looking crest. It was a picture of a lion, and the embroidered text that surrounded it read "Lion Brand Yarn". It made yarn look so incredibly noble, and I wondered if there could really be that much of a difference between one yarn and another. I came to the realization that if there were huge quality differences in cola or car parts or guitar strings, that the same was probably true of yarn. Then the knucklehead in me woke up and thought of these verses...

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 1 Corinthians 12:3-4

Most people would agree that poking a little fun at each other from time to time is fine, as long as its done with honest intentions. I know that I do plenty of things that deserve the kind of ribbing that I dished out in the few paragraphs above. After I walked away from the ceremony I saw some pretty amazing things, and I figure that if someone's talent glorifies God than who am I to judge? After all there are plenty of people out there who think that a guy who sings and fixes computers and writes about God is about weird as they come, and I'm ok with that.

Copyright 2008